Last week I was unexpectedly called up during church to share my testimony of Joseph Smith...OH NO! I had just been writing a journal entry for the Carthage Missionary Book. I was prepared.
>My Testimony of Joseph Smith and how it has changed over the years. By
Heather Cullen
When I was eleven years old my life became very difficult. We moved across town
and I left a ward/congregation that had many girls my age who I loved and had
been with since nursery to a ward that had only two girls my age and they were
best friends and made it clear there was no room for me. So church was no longer
fun.
My old school was exceedingly “groovy” and did not believe in giving grades
or correcting things like spelling because it might hurt our feelings and stunt
our creativity.
The new school we started going to was a back-to-basics charter
school which relieved my mother but was very hard on me as I suddenly had to up
my game educationally, they were not so impressed by creativity. So, school was
no longer fun. Then my dad took in a cousin whose home was not so safe to live
in. But he made our home not so safe to live in… so home was no longer fun. I
became a very angry little girl.
At school it seemed that the bullies were
pandered to and the “victims” were ignored. This seemed very unfair to me so I
started taking matters into my own hands. I began to fight with the bullies.
Even if they were bigger than me. I remember being in the office with blood on
my hands and my mom weeping, “This is not the gospel way!” I was so tired of
being angry and feeling guilty I decided I couldn’t do “The Gospel Way”. I
decided I needed to quit church.
If I could free myself from the church I
wouldn’t feel guilty all the time for how I wasn’t good enough. I told my mom
and she said that if I read the book of Mormon and didn’t know it was true I
didn’t have to go to church anymore. I was VERY excited about this. I was a fast
reader and read copiously every day. I was sure I could finish the Book of
Mormon in a week and be FREE. I started out feeling very determined and satisfied
that soon my life would get better…no more church, no more rules, and Sundays
would be free to play with my nonmember friends. I plowed through First Nephi,
“and it came to pass….and it came to pass…” All boring.
My parents were good at
having devotional. I had heard all this before. Then I got to 2Nephi chapter 4.
Nephi was talking about how angry he felt and how guilty he felt about it and
wondered WHY he was letting his enemies destroy his peace. I paused and thought,
“WHAT? Nephi was angry? He’s a prophet, how can that be?” then I thought
“Huh…maybe there’s hope for me.” The moment this thought entered my mind I felt
a pouring out of the spirit like fire into my head and out to my extremities. I
KNEW there was a God, He loved ME, and this book was true. I slammed the book
shut and flung it from me, BUT it was too late. I knew it and I knew God knew I
knew it. I had enough integrity that I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen.
Now I
had to go to church. My mom and dad weren’t making me go anymore, I went because
I knew it was true. But I was still me. I still had a stressful life, I was
still a problem. I felt like a wild pony that someone had gotten a halter on. OK
I’m caught, but I still kick and bite. What was I to do? “It sure felt good to
read that Book of Mormon” I thought to myself, “ maybe I should just keep
reading.” And so, I did. I never stopped. I read it and read it, repeatedly. I
read it two and three times a year. Every year of my life from that time on
continued to have it’s ups and downs, but each year ended a little happier and
content than the year before. Things were looking up!
I knew Joseph Smith was a
prophet because I knew the Book of Mormon was true. I didn’t think about him
much. As I got older I would hear people say wonderful things about “Brother
Joseph” and get teary eyed and I would just think to myself, “Hmm, those are
strong feelings but I don’t feel that way. I just know he’s a prophet because
The Book of Mormon is true.” Then as an adult I started hearing weird stuff
about Joseph and I would just have to hang those things on a “hook” so to speak.
I was busy with college, raising a young family, etc.…I knew Jesus was REAL and
the Book of Mormon was true, Joseph was something to deal with later because it
just didn’t matter to me.
Time went on and I retired and my husband, who was a
convert at age 39, and I decided to go on a mission. We applied for Mongolia,
Serbia, the Philippians, and Hungary. We got called to Nauvoo, Illinois as FM
missionaries. I was very confused. Nauvoo was cool and all but was it really a
mission? AND what was an FM missionary? Soon we found out. It was REALLY REALLY
fun. FM means Facilities Maintenance. I was helping in housing, my husband was
helping in carpentry. Were missions supposed to be fun? I was ready to slog it
out for Jesus in the hardest places. Why did it feel like I was having a really
wonderful time? We had a lot of devotionals and trainings on church history
topics.
The month we entered our mission they were in the middle of talking
about plural marriage and Joseph Smith. I mentally rolled my eyes. OH Geez, I
was going to finally have to stop ignoring this and face it full on. The
historians gave great workshops, I studied about controversial topics regarding
Joseph Smith from authors inside the church and outside of the church. I prayed
and fasted that the Lord would reveal to me how I was supposed to feel about
Joseph Smith.
I knew he was a prophet because the Book of Mormon was true. So
what happened after that? Was he a fallen prophet? Were the accusations against
him just more lies from satanic sources? Was it a little of both? Then the
Spirit told me. “Write a monologue about Joseph Smith. Have him tell you about
his life and why he did what he did.“ So, I began to write and research and
write. I questioned the historians that hung out in Nauvoo and came to speak at
our devotionals.
I started the monologue with Joseph at age 8. As he grew and
changed and experienced trauma after trauma I felt as if Joseph was actually
talking to me. We were becoming friends. After six months, my husband and I were
transferred to Carthage. Because we were independent workers and good workers we
were asked to care for all the grounds and outside of the buildings. I cried for
three days like a big baby. It was SO fun being in housing with the sisters I
worked with. We were like the Navy Seals of cleaning. There were so many cool
things to do in Nauvoo.
Carthage was…well, it was Carthage. One story and
besides that, I felt that I was now being forced to LOOK Joseph in the face and
face him head on. I write this from my caretaker’s cottage. The windows of my
living room and kitchen face the very window Joseph fell from on the day of the
martyrdom. We have been here six months and have asked to stay here until the
end of our mission six months from now. Why did I waste my time crying in
Nauvoo? Carthage has become my favorite place. As I clean the statue of Joseph
and Hyrum, wiping webs and bugs from their ears, nose, and eyes, I feel a
motherly and protective love towards them.
Although I am an FM missionary here,
on Sundays and sometimes at other times, my husband and I have opportunities to
do tours! I feel the spirit here so strong you can cut it with a knife. I do not
think of this place as a place of great sorrow and evil.
It is a place of
triumph and glory where Joseph and Hyrum finished their earth missions with
honors. My faults do not negate my awesome qualities and my awesome qualities do
not negate my faults. It is the same for ALL of us including Joseph Smith. The
D&C says several times that Joseph is forgiven of his sins, and ask others to
forgive him of his sins.
He lied to Emma and others as he struggled to obey God
and not offend people. We are all daily striving to learn how to trust God in
all areas of our lives and daily repenting when we fail to trust Him and put Him
first, when we sin.
I can now stand beside Joseph in full confidence and say
that he was and still is a prophet in good standing with God. I can say with
confidence that he is a good man, that he was a man with sins and faults and
that he was repentant and void of offense towards God and man when he finished
the work God gave him and sealed his testimony with his blood. Carthage is where
Joseph triumphed.
He stopped fearing for his family and friends, stopped fearing
his enemies, and stopped fearing what God required of him. He graduated from
this earth school with honors.
