Saturday, November 22, 2025

There and Back Again: Week 55 So WHAT's up with Joseph Smith?

Last week I was unexpectedly called up during church to share my testimony of Joseph Smith...OH NO! I had just been writing a journal entry for the Carthage Missionary Book. I was prepared.
>My Testimony of Joseph Smith and how it has changed over the years. By Heather Cullen When I was eleven years old my life became very difficult. We moved across town and I left a ward/congregation that had many girls my age who I loved and had been with since nursery to a ward that had only two girls my age and they were best friends and made it clear there was no room for me. So church was no longer fun.
My old school was exceedingly “groovy” and did not believe in giving grades or correcting things like spelling because it might hurt our feelings and stunt our creativity. The new school we started going to was a back-to-basics charter school which relieved my mother but was very hard on me as I suddenly had to up my game educationally, they were not so impressed by creativity. So, school was no longer fun. Then my dad took in a cousin whose home was not so safe to live in. But he made our home not so safe to live in… so home was no longer fun. I became a very angry little girl.
At school it seemed that the bullies were pandered to and the “victims” were ignored. This seemed very unfair to me so I started taking matters into my own hands. I began to fight with the bullies. Even if they were bigger than me. I remember being in the office with blood on my hands and my mom weeping, “This is not the gospel way!” I was so tired of being angry and feeling guilty I decided I couldn’t do “The Gospel Way”. I decided I needed to quit church.
If I could free myself from the church I wouldn’t feel guilty all the time for how I wasn’t good enough. I told my mom and she said that if I read the book of Mormon and didn’t know it was true I didn’t have to go to church anymore. I was VERY excited about this. I was a fast reader and read copiously every day. I was sure I could finish the Book of Mormon in a week and be FREE. I started out feeling very determined and satisfied that soon my life would get better…no more church, no more rules, and Sundays would be free to play with my nonmember friends. I plowed through First Nephi, “and it came to pass….and it came to pass…” All boring.
My parents were good at having devotional. I had heard all this before. Then I got to 2Nephi chapter 4. Nephi was talking about how angry he felt and how guilty he felt about it and wondered WHY he was letting his enemies destroy his peace. I paused and thought, “WHAT? Nephi was angry? He’s a prophet, how can that be?” then I thought “Huh…maybe there’s hope for me.” The moment this thought entered my mind I felt a pouring out of the spirit like fire into my head and out to my extremities. I KNEW there was a God, He loved ME, and this book was true. I slammed the book shut and flung it from me, BUT it was too late. I knew it and I knew God knew I knew it. I had enough integrity that I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen.
Now I had to go to church. My mom and dad weren’t making me go anymore, I went because I knew it was true. But I was still me. I still had a stressful life, I was still a problem. I felt like a wild pony that someone had gotten a halter on. OK I’m caught, but I still kick and bite. What was I to do? “It sure felt good to read that Book of Mormon” I thought to myself, “ maybe I should just keep reading.” And so, I did. I never stopped. I read it and read it, repeatedly. I read it two and three times a year. Every year of my life from that time on continued to have it’s ups and downs, but each year ended a little happier and content than the year before. Things were looking up!
I knew Joseph Smith was a prophet because I knew the Book of Mormon was true. I didn’t think about him much. As I got older I would hear people say wonderful things about “Brother Joseph” and get teary eyed and I would just think to myself, “Hmm, those are strong feelings but I don’t feel that way. I just know he’s a prophet because The Book of Mormon is true.” Then as an adult I started hearing weird stuff about Joseph and I would just have to hang those things on a “hook” so to speak. I was busy with college, raising a young family, etc.…I knew Jesus was REAL and the Book of Mormon was true, Joseph was something to deal with later because it just didn’t matter to me.
Time went on and I retired and my husband, who was a convert at age 39, and I decided to go on a mission. We applied for Mongolia, Serbia, the Philippians, and Hungary. We got called to Nauvoo, Illinois as FM missionaries. I was very confused. Nauvoo was cool and all but was it really a mission? AND what was an FM missionary? Soon we found out. It was REALLY REALLY fun. FM means Facilities Maintenance. I was helping in housing, my husband was helping in carpentry. Were missions supposed to be fun? I was ready to slog it out for Jesus in the hardest places. Why did it feel like I was having a really wonderful time? We had a lot of devotionals and trainings on church history topics.
The month we entered our mission they were in the middle of talking about plural marriage and Joseph Smith. I mentally rolled my eyes. OH Geez, I was going to finally have to stop ignoring this and face it full on. The historians gave great workshops, I studied about controversial topics regarding Joseph Smith from authors inside the church and outside of the church. I prayed and fasted that the Lord would reveal to me how I was supposed to feel about Joseph Smith.
I knew he was a prophet because the Book of Mormon was true. So what happened after that? Was he a fallen prophet? Were the accusations against him just more lies from satanic sources? Was it a little of both? Then the Spirit told me. “Write a monologue about Joseph Smith. Have him tell you about his life and why he did what he did.“ So, I began to write and research and write. I questioned the historians that hung out in Nauvoo and came to speak at our devotionals.
I started the monologue with Joseph at age 8. As he grew and changed and experienced trauma after trauma I felt as if Joseph was actually talking to me. We were becoming friends. After six months, my husband and I were transferred to Carthage. Because we were independent workers and good workers we were asked to care for all the grounds and outside of the buildings. I cried for three days like a big baby. It was SO fun being in housing with the sisters I worked with. We were like the Navy Seals of cleaning. There were so many cool things to do in Nauvoo.
Carthage was…well, it was Carthage. One story and besides that, I felt that I was now being forced to LOOK Joseph in the face and face him head on. I write this from my caretaker’s cottage. The windows of my living room and kitchen face the very window Joseph fell from on the day of the martyrdom. We have been here six months and have asked to stay here until the end of our mission six months from now. Why did I waste my time crying in Nauvoo? Carthage has become my favorite place. As I clean the statue of Joseph and Hyrum, wiping webs and bugs from their ears, nose, and eyes, I feel a motherly and protective love towards them.
Although I am an FM missionary here, on Sundays and sometimes at other times, my husband and I have opportunities to do tours! I feel the spirit here so strong you can cut it with a knife. I do not think of this place as a place of great sorrow and evil.
It is a place of triumph and glory where Joseph and Hyrum finished their earth missions with honors. My faults do not negate my awesome qualities and my awesome qualities do not negate my faults. It is the same for ALL of us including Joseph Smith. The D&C says several times that Joseph is forgiven of his sins, and ask others to forgive him of his sins.
He lied to Emma and others as he struggled to obey God and not offend people. We are all daily striving to learn how to trust God in all areas of our lives and daily repenting when we fail to trust Him and put Him first, when we sin.
I can now stand beside Joseph in full confidence and say that he was and still is a prophet in good standing with God. I can say with confidence that he is a good man, that he was a man with sins and faults and that he was repentant and void of offense towards God and man when he finished the work God gave him and sealed his testimony with his blood. Carthage is where Joseph triumphed.
He stopped fearing for his family and friends, stopped fearing his enemies, and stopped fearing what God required of him. He graduated from this earth school with honors.
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Saturday, November 15, 2025

There and Back Again: Week 54 Solar Storms and emotional storms

The solar storms of last week caused quite BEAUTIFUL electromagnetic waves for three days here in the midwest and across the country we heard. We were astounded by the Northern Lights being so close to us and wondered what it meant.
In the middle of it all at least 5 people I consider very upbeat, with lots of good coping skills and strong emotional and mental constitutions had major emotional disruption. I myself was mowing leaves and started seeing all the tractor ruts in the nice lawn which were caused by the tractor breaking down (slipping into 4 wheel drive) and now we had to use the push mower while the tractor was being fixed.
Because of wind and leaves, everything looked so messy no matter how hard we worked, and suddenly I was feeling a true panic attack coming on. I started feeling so helpless and hopeless...then a thought came into my mind..."You were just joking with Elder Cullen that the goal right now was to fill the truck as many times as possible. NOT make things look perfect. That's impossible right now" I thought Oh dear...what is happening to me. I started singing loud and strong as I mowed...as loud as the motor...I sang hymns of gratitude to Jesus and after about 15 minutes..The urgent darkness passed. I felt like I was going to survive. Then three of my friends from Nauvoo showed up. It was their P day and they took me out to lunch. I FELT MUCH BETTER.
I read online that the electromagnetic waves affect emotions, the heart, and the nervous system. My little meltdown and the meltdowns of others, although triggered by real things that were sad or frustrating, I THINK were caused by these northern lights! Weigh in in the comments below if you experienced this too. So just know, sometimes our feelings lie to us and using music, prayers, mantras,etc. will help you navigate through the "panic" so you don't mess up relationships or your life by making choices while out of control. LOL
In other news, my friend and I are putting on a guitar/recorder/voice concert in a couple of weeks at the Coraville Mall on the Giving Machine stage. Many entertainers will be performing for three weeks to attract people to come give at the Giving Machines.
Giving machines are SO cool. You can buy a chicken, pig, cow, goat, clean water, meals, toys, eye exams, and more to those in need. It's a giant "vending machine" which takes your purchase and gives to charities around the world who will deliver whatever you bought to someone who really needs it. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/light-the-world/giving-machines
It's a silly thing to be excited about, but a very ugly and potentially dangerous pole was finally removed this week after much red tape. I was so happy I gave the man a popcicle which he really enjoyed. HAHA!
Elder Cullen figured out a fast way to clear the tops of the hedges...simple joys.
At the beginning of this week the Ginko Balboa tree dropped ALL of its leaves at once.
It's so beautiful we decided NOT to rake these leaves...we've left them all week and the guests and site missionaries LOVE them. The children play in them and it's making people feel very happy. Autumn is magical.
Today, Saturday, I spent the morning raking by hand because it was therapuetic, quiet, and the morning was so beautiful and clear and calm. I was grateful to be raking in the morning light. WE were very happily surprised by seeing our friends from our church back in California drive into the parking lot!! They are on their way to a mission in Virgina. It was a wonderful reunion.
It's so weird that this week has felt as if something bad has happened, yet it has only been full of beauty and kindness. I'm blaming that on the Northern Lights. I have been taking it easy, taking naps, and eating especially healthy and drinking more tea. LOL Ahhh All is well in my world. God is at the helm and He watches over me. I am safe and at peace. I have all I need right now, right here. I am grateful.
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Saturday, November 8, 2025

There and Back Again: Week 53 A Brush with Death and Miracles

Last Monday, Elder Cullen and I were heading from Carthage to Nauvoo in the evening for the Christmas Walk Meeting (we're in charge of parlor games and stories). It was very dark especially now with daylight savings ended. As we cruised down the unlit, dark country road we chatted as usual with one of our kids through the hands free system of our lovely Pearl (the name of our new car). Suddenly we heard a LOUD BANG and a wave of blood completely engulfed our windshield.
Weirdly, just on the crest of that blood wave we felt something else...a wave of energy or vibration went right through our bodies! We stopped and looked at each other..."WHAT WAS THAT?! and then...I think we hit a deer." We hung up with Spring and elder Cullen turned on the windshield wipers. yep..it was a deer. We just became part of the 2 million people who hit a deer this year. It had bolted out of the trees so we didn't even have a chance to see it coming.
We turned around and lurched home. The road is so narrow and dark we didn't want to become the 2nd road kill of the night. The car was very off balance all kinds of indicator lights were on. We drove straight to a car wash. I took photos for insurance and got back in the car and good old Elder Cullen washed the car. It was traumatic.
Our friend who is helping build the new temple visitor center just hit a deer the week before and it totaled his truck. We were told his bags went off and bruised his face. OUR bags did not go off...even though the radiator was pushed into the engine damaging the transmission and other things. The estimate was 14 thousand dollars of damage. Insurance is going to pay it. WHEW! So God shielded us financially, Geico is not giving us any run around or grief. Which is a blessing. GOD also shielded us physically. We both felt that that "energy/vibration" we felt go over and through us was like a shield and protection from the impact. We were NOT harmed in any way even though we were going 60mph and stopped suddenly...no whiplash, nothing. It was as if our ancestors had "dog piled us" as it happened and we were protected. The only negative physical thing was that we both had a stomach ache for a day. Elder Cullen, who did all the dirty work of cleaning the car had to stop work and take a nap the next day.
Our ministering brother and sister came to visit us the next day. They canceled everything just to hang with us and fill any needs. Elder Cullen was sleeping, I had a health and wellness apt. so they drove me to that, then took me out to lunch and brought some home for Elder Cullen. I thought at first I didn't need anyone...we were OK and nothing really needed to be done, we were literally FINE.
BUT as they drove me to my appointment I suddenly became aware of how nice it was to not be driving myself, to have these two "angels" just surround me and do that easy thing for me of taking me there, waiting and taking me out to lunch then home. I felt so comforted...it was like having protective angels on either side..just there if I needed them. I felt myself just relax into their presence and let go, like a little kid... not being in charge...not needing to manage. It was very comforting and pleasant.
The next day they made us dinner. It was wonderful. The ministring brother and sister program is truly wonderful. Thank heaven we never sold Lazarus! (our Suburban) NOW he's our only transportation. The Pearl will be in the shop for a month. MEANWHILE the day after our wreck, our sweet renter called to tell us that both the clothes washer and the dishwasher had died. LOL When it rains....
AGAIN, God sent us an angel and a dear protective friend at home came over and took care of the problem. He is SO capable and kind. We felt so shielded from the stress because he knew who to call to fix it and take care of the problem and did it without any issues. We LOVE him and his family forever and ever.
As activity directors we hosted a very fun card making night for those who were interested. Elder Cullen was the only man there and he loved making his own Christmas cards. The event was such a success that we have two more nights planned.
Last Sat. on our day off we got to go to the Rennasaince Faire. We have been taking our kids to the California Faire, working the Faire, and loving the Faire for decades. It was fun to see how it goes out in the midwest. I got to sing sea chanties with a pirate.
ALSO, you know that candy we got last week? I turned the carmels and the candy corn into candy corn on the cob!
HAHAH! That was my fidget project while we drove to the Faire. ALSO We had a goodbye party for some departing missionaries. I am going to miss them terribly...
sigh how does one keep track of all the people they love and care about?? TOO MANY. I guess this blog is one way. If we tried to communicate with you one on one we'd never get any work done. BUT we can reach out with our adventures this way to share and LOVE your comments. Just a pin point of communication to say, we remember you, we love you and we want to keep in touch.
At my water color class I made another painting that looks like a really good 5th grade project! LOL
I am NOT good at this, however it is very calming and enjoyable to be creating with friends and talking and I love the bright colors.
In OTHER news, we took another site missionary to the burn pile to look for a good walking stick. Of course boys will be boys and he and Elder Cullen started fighting with them! LOL
You're never too old to have fun! hahah
I guess the message of this week is that it takes rain and sun to make rainbows and this week was truly somewhere OVER the Rainbow.
Stay safe, let yourself be served, find ways to serve others and know that rain or shine, JESUS and HEAVENLY FATHER LOVE YOU.
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Saturday, November 1, 2025

There and Back Again: WEEK 52! Work and Play the power of details

This week there were several BIG logs on the burn pile. One was burned hollow like a big kiln! We had some branches fall in a wind storm and Elder Cullen had fun igniting them by holding them inside this burning hollow log!
One of our site missionary friends came with us to the burn pile. She had been living here for 5 months and never knew it existed. It was very exciting for her and a fun change of pace. We're excited because now that the LARGE groups of tourists have settled to a gentler pace, WE get to help with tours on Sunday. I love giving tours.
I want to reflect on the power of paying attention to details. With the weather getting deliciously cooler there also comes a HUGE amount of raking up leaves and acorns. I think we filled the truck and went out to the burn pile two and three times a day this week. So our work load has increased. I find my body is quite sore as it adjusts to the new work load. I am getting stronger! However, there are times when I see a mess and think...ugh...maybe tomorrow.
Then I say a prayer asking for energy and strength and say, I'll clean two feet of this then go inside and lay down. And I do the two feet and it looks so good I say "Two more then that's it for today", and so on.
There were PILES of acorns and dirt and debris under the outer fence. It looked so bad from the street. One corner of the lot is so bad, I called it "filthy corner". I started my "two feet" mentality because it was such a big job, and ended up finishing it in about an hour. It looked so good. I felt a huge burden lifted. I had been putting that area off for two weeks now! LOL but caring for little DETAILS makes the whole look so excellent it IS worth it.
Another job I've been putting off was the nasty webs nests left by the worm invasion. I've cleaned them before but they just kept coming back! The guests don't often look up so no one was noticing or at least not saying anything. As I cleaned windows I would look at those doors and think..OK Tomorrow...OK tomorrow....ugh tomorrow.
Then as I was exiting the Visitor's Center this week I looked up and saw THIS...worm guts dripping down because the doors had closed on them... SOOOO gross! I had to stop everything and put gloves on and scrub and scrub with bug windshield wiper fluid and green scrubby pad...I had left the disgusting job too long. It took an hour to clean it properly.
Now it will look SPLENDID until next Spring because it's so cold now the bugs are ALL gone! YAHOOOO!!!
So one of the sisters here is an artist and offered to teach me how to water color. This was my first attempt. The view from my bedroom window. If you know watercolor....you can tell this is a subpar job. BUT....it's my first attempt and it was so peaceful to just sit with a friend and fool around with paint and daub it clean and start over and erase and try again until it was good enough. Creating and being creative is very good for the mind and soul. I encourage all of you to MAKE something this week.
See how it makes you feel! The Autumn air is so wonderful, the lighting is equisite the trees are so beautiful it hurts to look at them. WHY? The joy is too much. Why? I don't know.
Is it because it reminds our souls of heaven and causes us to LONG for that place?
Maybe! But I just walk around and stare and exclaim "OH So BEAUTIFUL! Thank you Heavenly Father!"
This week we had some fun social adventures. One of our friends invited us to a tea party then watch The Enchanted April.
It was SOOO fun. Her husband and Reg had their own tea party and went upstairs with their delicious tea and treats and watched old black and white movies from their childhood and had so much fun!
We had 8 women there. Everyone but me was from the sewing room. They are a delightful bunch. Everyone brought something fun to eat.
Also this week, we had a good bye lunch for two of my dear Blue Belle Sisters...Their missions are done, they finished well. I will miss them a lot!
These women are so accepting and loving. I feel that God has blessed me with one or two people in each phase of my life who love me for who I am, who are not jealous of me or critical of my faults. I am just loved for who I am. THESE women were some of those. I will miss them.
Elder Cullen and I played pool this week. Unfortuneately he hit the 8 ball into the pocket so I won. HAHAHH!
Something else that is fun about this mission is that everyone is SO generous. One of the site missionaries gave us this beautiful gift just because when they came out to do tours here in Carthage.
So that's all for this week. I invite you to do something that brings you closer to Jesus this week. Serve someone, forgive someone, talk to Him about something that makes you happy, sad, or mad. Then write about it in your journal. LOVE YOU ALL!
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